Better For Her
by Cate Lynn
Summary: Shepard wakes up in the Normandy's med bay after a long rest, and everything that's happened is suddenly fresh in her mind. Tribute to Ashley, femShep/Kaidan implications.


"_...immediate medical attention..."_

"_...miracle she didn't bleed out..."_

"_...when she wakes... still that matter..."_

That last voice was probably Udina. Commander Shepard's eyes were closed, but she frowned at the thought of the Ambassador. Reality settled in fuzzily around her. She took in a deep breath and smelled the familiar scent of rubber gloves and medigel. She was lying in the Normandy's med bay, which was now empty, except for one person.

"Ah, you're awake, Commander," came Dr Chakwas' voice.

"Mmmm," was all Shepard could say at that moment as she opened her eyes fully and then immediately squinted at the bright light shining down at her. She moved an arm to shield her eyes. The other arm appeared to be in a sling.

"You might remember that your arm was wounded," the doctor began. Shepard was glad she didn't have to try forming a sentence to ask — Chakwas was right down to business, as usual.

Slowly, very slowly, she sat up, dangling her legs off the side of the bed. She nodded briefly to the doctor's report as she looked down at the sling her left arm was in.

"Shouldn't cause you too much trouble," Chakwas noted, leaning against the bed next to Shepard's to face her properly. "A greenstick — minor fracture, mostly all healed."

Her tongue felt thick and dry in her mouth, but she managed a wry reply: "Good to know my gene therapy wasn't just some kind of jedi mind trick."

"Yes, it's probably helped you more than you know," the doctor mused. "How are you feeling?"

Shepard took a moment to assess herself before replying, "I think I'll live."

"Good news for the galaxy, then," Chakwas responded with a slight smirk. "You've been spending the last few days sleeping off the rest of your injuries. I wouldn't try anything too strenuous, though. You were hemorrhaging when they brought you here. Internal bleeding. How you pulled yourself out of Sovereign's wreck is a mystery to us all. You were very lucky."

Closing her eyes, Shepard nodded again. Sovereign's wreck. Suddenly it all came rushing back to her. She shut her eyes tightly, pressing the heel of her free hand into her eye socket and tried to block it all from returning.

"When you are ready, Ambassador Udina and Captain Anderson would like a word with you," the doctor informed her gently. "If you like, I can tell them you're still sleeping."

A tempting offer, and one that Shepard greatly appreciated. She hesitated for a moment before she answered, "No." Tempted as she was, there was no point in putting the debriefing off. "No, I'll be fine. I just need a moment." Shepard kept her eyes closed, not wanting to deal with anyone, if only just for a few minutes. As the events of her long mission unfolded in her brain, her eyes shut tighter and tighter. The heel of her free hand still pushing into her eye socket, she hunched her shoulders, letting her chin fall to her chest, pulling her wounded arm close to her stomach.

Sovereign. The Reapers. A race of sentient machines out to destroy all advanced organic life, for seemingly incomprehensible reasons. What was it, exactly, that Sovereign has said when they were all on Virmire?

Virmire...

"_I don't regret a thing."_

_Ash._

She'd told Kaidan once how she dealt with people dying: to honour them, she would do better for them. That's how she had to deal with the death of a crew member — but was it a good enough way to honour them? How much "better" did she need to be before her crew members stopped dying? Losing Jenkins had been hard enough on the crew — hard enough on her.

The hiss of the med bay's door interrupted her thoughts, but she didn't look up; instead she remained in her curled-up position, sitting on the bed. A few seconds passed in silence — still she didn't move. Whoever was there was probably trying to determine how to react to this awake yet extremely vulnerable-looking Shepard.

"Lieutenant Alenko, coming in for your checkup?" Dr Chakwas asked, easing the burden that the silence was beginning to impress upon everyone in the room.

"Uh. Yes," came Kaidan's voice, soft and hesitant.

Movement. He was sitting across from Shepard now. She didn't watch as Dr Chakwas tended to him, but she felt a little better knowing he was close to her. Chakwas asked him questions pertaining to his health: "How's your appetite?" and would receive short, polite responses: "Seems normal." Occasionally she would utter soft commands like, "Breathe in. Out."

Shepard wasn't sure how much time had passed before Chakwas said, "Well, you seem to be a perfectly healthy biotic. No migraines recently?"

"None worth mentioning," he answered softly.

"I think you've recovered well from the strain, then," Chakwas concluded. "Although I must say, you really pushed yourself. I'd tell you to watch it in the future, but I somehow think it would do as much good as if I'd asked the Commander." Shepard could hear the dry amusement in her voice.

"Well, you are free to go whenever you like, Lieutenant," Chakwas told Kaidan. Once the door had hissed again, signaling he had left, Shepard looked up.

_Oh._

She found herself staring at Kaidan, sitting directly across from her, legs also dangling over the edge of the bed. The doctor was the one who had left.

They both watched each other for a moment. Shepard was feeling very strange — she wasn't accustomed to feeling so vulnerable. She felt as if all her emotions lay in front of him; like she was some kind of scientific specimen. Her free hand went to her shoulder, shielding her chest.

"You were thinking about Ash," Kaidan murmured suddenly, peering at her. Shepard found herself wishing she had spoken first, and wondering how he knew. His directness was surprising. She must have rubbed off on him a little.

It wasn't fair. She had just woken up from days of sleep, blissful sleep — no dreams to interrupt her rest, no mission, no lives to worry about. Commander Shepard was a remarkably strong woman, but even she couldn't be invulnerable all the time. Why did he have to come in right then? If she could have just had 10, maybe 20 minutes to herself... to collect her thoughts, re-process everything that had happened...

"I can go if you—" Kaidan began after a lengthy silence.

"No," Shepard interrupted. "No, don't go. I just. Needed a moment." She shook her head. "It's all so fresh in my mind, like it just happened. All of it. I'm just trying to get... a handle on things."

"You can take it, one thing at a time," Kaidan continued her train of thought, which put her a little more at ease. "But when it all comes crashing down on you, everything that's happened during this mission... it's hard."

Nodding her agreement, Shepard fell back to her thoughts again. She didn't meet Kaidan's eyes as her looked her over; she stared at the floor underneath her dangling feet. She felt naked, exposed. She shifted uncomfortably. Finally, she asked, "How did you know? That I was thinking about Ash," she clarified belatedly.

Kaidan was silent for a moment, turning the words over in his mouth. "There was... something familiar about your posture, I guess. When I walked in." He paused, and Shepard could still feel him watching her. "It reminded me of when Udina grounded the Normandy. I found you by your locker—"

"Yeah," Shepard said quickly, before he could suggest that she may have been crying at that point. She hadn't been, no, but she had been fighting it. The feelings of that moment washed over her, and she closed her eyes. "If a soldier dies, somewhere you believe — you _know_ — it... It wasn't in vain. It was for a purpose. The day that Udina grounded us, he disgraced her." She clenched her fist as she recalled the way that had made her feel. Frustrated, angry... useless. "It all seemed so god damn useless. A waste."

"They made her death meaningless," Kaidan responded, his voice full of understanding. Shepard welcomed his tone, so perfect; like always, the two of them seemed so connected. On the same level. She could finally bring herself to look him in the eye.

_Are you insane? After _everything_ I've done..._

"After everything Ash had done..." Shepard voice trailed off. It was a blow to the gut, what Udina had done that day. She blinked, hard, as if the motion could force the memories and feelings away. It didn't work.

"But in the end, it wasn't," Kaidan reminded her gently, leaning forward from his seat on the bed. "Everything worked out, in the end."

Shepard nodded, but said nothing.

"You made her death mean something," he told her, his tone meaningful. He was on his feet now, standing halfway between the two beds.

"I had to," she responded ruefully.

"Shepard." Kaidan said her name calmly and firmly. "You did right by her."

"I'd hoped she could escape," Shepard admittedly suddenly, almost laughing at the absurdity of the thought.

Kaidan waited for her continue, moving to sit beside her on her bed. He was so close now, and Shepard could feel her confidence returning. Her grip on the situation coming back to her.

Shepard had never actually told him why she'd saved him instead of Ashley. She had just told him that she had to make a choice. It wasn't even really her feelings for Kaidan that influenced whom she chose. That wasn't enough for someone like her, who was so by-the-book. And she knew that Kaidan would understand.

"I knew you had no chance in hell of making it out alive, but I thought Ash might be able to make a run for it," she continued, remembering the chaos of the battle. "I'd told her no heroics before the whole thing started." She snorted softly. "Should've remembered who I was talking to."

Kaidan chuckled softly. "Yeah... never send a scorned woman desperate to prove herself into battle," he said, shaking his head.

In spite of herself, Shepard laughed. She laughed long and hard, because she knew Ash, wherever she was now, had heard them and was laughing too.

* * *

_A/N: Mega thanks to Vshard, who has put up with my scaredy-cat ways and also helped me muddle through a particularly difficult line. First Mass Effect fic, likely part of something bigger to come. Input welcome, and thanks for reading._


End file.
